I’m your past. I know if you can write back, you will blame me for everything. I know. ‘Coz I am you, and you are from me.
First off, I am wondering. How are you? How are you, my future self? ‘Coz I’m worried. I am worried that my past self, and now your past, or my current self is not doing well enough. I am worried, that I am not doing anything good. I am worried, that whatever you are experiencing right now, is all my fault. I have so many regrets. I think I am never good enough. I am never good enough, that’s why I don’t deserve to succeed. I don’t deserve to feel great about myself. Because I am not good enough. I want to know. Even if you f*cking blame me, I still want to know. What have I done all my life? What have I done my entire life? What have I done to become you? Are you still me? Or are you a changed person? If you have changed, what have you become? Did you become the demon I always felt lurking inside of me? Or have you outsmarted it, finally?
I want to know so much. I want to know. Did you reach my dreams? Or am I the one to blame for failing? What happened to everything? What happened to my aspirations? Did you change it? Or are you still following it? Have you reached any? Or have you trashed it all? Or maybe some? If you have the chance, would you write back? I want to know so badly. What have you become?
Do you still play Dota 2? Is there a new game we got addicted to? Would it be possible for us to play together? I would love to challenge myself. Heck, I know you’d be a better gamer by now. I still suck today, but not that bad. You know it, right? Have you pulled out of gaming? Don’t you play anymore? Yeah, this one takes a lot of time, too. Did we stop playing game? Did we just do other stuff we wanted to do instead of playing this? Is it fun still playing? Or is it good we stopped this, and just had fun on other activities we also enjoy doing?
What happened to our paintings? Did you continue to paint? Did we finish a lot of set already? Have we added a few, a couple, a lot, or nothing to our current collection?
Do you still enjoy photography? Am I or are you still shy of taking pictures candidly while having a walk anywhere? Did we start using better cameras?
Do you still write? Do you still miss it? Have we finally made it in our blogging? Did we improve in our writing? Were you able to write an article featured anywhere publicly? Did we finally publish our dream book? Or, did we stop believing? Did we stop writing because it won’t take us anywhere?
What happened to her? And her, too? Do you still choose to talk to her? Do you still miss her? Do you still wanna see her? Were you, were we, finally able to meet her? What happened to her? Is she in love to somebody already? Did you… did we… did I… tried... to chase her? Does she still believe me? Are you two together? Do you still want to be with her? Do you still love her?
Did I improve on my living? How do I look now? What do I have now? Did I finally lose everything I loved because I was careless? If you could talk back to me, would you answer me? I want to know. And whatever happened, whatever happened that you may hate me, I am sorry. I am sorry, that even you, my future self, is mad at me. I’ve always known that I was the one to blame. I take the blame. I am sorry.
I know you. You are from me. That’s why I know, you won’t just blame me. I know you’d still thank me. No. You’ll just be thankful. You won’t thank me, but you will be thankful of everything. I still honestly believe that you are a grown man now. I know, you’d stop being pathetic. I know you are destined for greatness. You will thank me not because of the good outcomes of whatever I do now, but you’ll thank me for bringing you to the road you are now passing. That’s a good road.
The Present now Past,
Akala ko noon ay marami na akong alam. Marami ng alam para magturo, magsalita, magsulat. Akala ko ay sapat na ang mga nalalaman ko para masabing karapat-dapat na akong magbahagi ng mga nalalaman ko. Akala ko, marami na akong alam. Akala ko lang pala ang lahat ng iyon.
Akala ko, alam ko na ang lahat. Ngayon, napagtatanto kong hindi ko pala alam. Ang inakala kong alam ko na noon, buong ingay ng isipan kong isinisigaw ngayon na hindi ko alam.
Hindi ko alam gagawin ko sa buhay ko. Akala ko, alam ko na kung ano ang gusto kong mangyari sa akin. Hindi pa rin pala. Akala ko magiging masaya na ako kung pinili kong magpatuloy pa, hindi pala. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang magpapasaya sa akin kung magpapatuloy pa ako.
Hindi ko alam na ganito pala mamuhay sa mundo ng kaguluhan. Hindi ko alam kung ano o paano isasaayos ang lahat ng sa tingin ko ay magulo. Akala ko kaya kong iayos ang lahat. Hindi ko pala alam kung paano isasaayos ang lahat.
Hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko. Akala ko, mabuti akong tao. Akala ko, karapat-dapat akong magturo kung paano maging mabuti. Hindi pala. Hindi ko pala alam kung paano magpakabuti.
Hindi ko alam kung paano ko ipagpapatuloy ang pagtatrabaho ko. Pakiramdam ko, ang bawat byahe ko pagpasok, ay byaheng magdadala sa akin sa kamatayan.
Sa totoo lang, ayoko na. ayoko ng magpatuloy. Hindi ko alam kung tama pa ang mga sinasabi ko. Hindi ko alam kung karapat-dapat pang maisulat, makita, o mabasa pa ang mga ito. Gusto ko ng sumuko. Gusto ko ng sumuko ng paulit-ulit. Hindi ko na kaya pero hindi ko rin alam bakit nagpapatuloy pa ako.
Today, I realized, I truly found out, and proven, that what makes a person gloomy is doing something that the heart entirely dislike – doing something you never really liked.
My heart is racing to finally find out, again, that I’m about to do something I don’t like. Something I hate and dread so much. I hate it. And I don’t know why I am even doing this. As if I had no choice at all. That is always the question, and the answer is simple – I do it not for myself. But it turns out, it makes me lonelier than contented of the sacrifices I make. Is it an unnecessary sacrifice to make people around you happy by doing something you never really liked, but only for the sole-purpose that you think that these people will be glad of what you do?
I can sacrifice for the good of those who surround me, but in the end, am I happy with that sacrifice? I am already taking the toll. It’s getting heavier now. And the pain is getting more real.
I’d rather die young. Maybe, I am so scared of staying more years on earth. I fear that every day will just get worse ‘coz life is just unfair. I am scared to experience more of these. I don’t want to suffer anymore.