Walker, Crutches

The cube world halted from moving. 
Only the soft bed, the cool breeze, and the golden light intact.
No more movement, no more mobility, yet again.
The agony is never in absence.
The silent shouts are screaming hate.
Audible, no longer hindered.
Despise to own, despise to them, this world has nowhere to go.

Mighty hand, an aid we seek.
Seemed distant.
There would be episodes miracles are witnessed.
To Your hands, everything is risen.

Walker, crutches, assist the world well.  Pain is still not obscure.
Shrouded vision looking forward, bent knee or feet, it shall walk again.

A Night at the Emergency Room.

A night at the emergency room.

Today has been really painful.  I got rushed to the emergency room due to some “usual” palpitations and a rather “unusual” stabbing pain in the chest with difficulty in breathing.  I just wanted to go home and rest it out, but the people around me insisted that I should be given proper medical attention.  In no time, the rescue team is already on me.

As we arrive the emergency room, I know for a fact there is something wrong.  I am becoming numb, and weaker. I couldn’t even tilt my head up and look around. The blood pressure is dropping fast.  As I was lying on the hospital bed, my eyes just wanted to close.  I don’t what came to me, but when I prayed, it’s not about helping me to get over with the situation.  I prayed to God “thank you, for giving me this wonderful time”.  But heck, I wasn’t dying. It was just the dropping blood pressure. My family then came to watch for me.

Just when we thought everything is getting fine, we went home though I was still feeling fuzzy and weak.  After being seated, I threw up a murky-looking vomit.  We all thought it was blood. It was black and could almost fill a bowl or two.  I was brought back to the emergency room.

A couple of questions here and there, trying to figure out what went wrong with me.  A couple more of blood tests and other exams, then it was decided I needed to be admitted.  I needed to be confined.

The doctors and nurses were about to change shift when a real dying person was brought to the hospital – an old woman.  Since I was brought to the local government hospital, what separated my hospital bed to the coding old woman was just a curtain.  A curtain they weren’t able to fully cover because they need to save her.  I can tell that her body is hard by that time and I can even hear the flatline sound from the machine quickly attached to her by the medical personnel.  She’s not dying – she IS dead.

All the relatives who brought her were crying. I even heard one uttered that it would be the woman’s birthday the next day.  From the not fully-covered curtain, I watched the team try to resuscitate her, I saw her.   After a couple of tries, one of the doctors talked to a relative and explained the condition.  The doctor asked how long before they were able to bring the granny to the hospital, and I figured why she would ask that.  ‘coz the woman is dead when she was brought to the hospital.  but the medical personnel didn’t stop resuscitating.  They see glimpse of hope.  And I still hear the relatives crying.

A few more tries, and not giving up, I suddenly heard a beep.  WHAT THE HECK?!?! Were they really able to make it?  Were they really able to resuscitate or revive her?  Then the announcement of the doctor to the relatives, she was back.  Although, the old woman is not far from danger yet, I heard the doctor said about they are now trying to stabilize her condition.  They were really able to bring her back.  They were able to bring her back to her loved-ones, to the people who love her.

A sudden realization to me.

For a couple of years now, I’ve been struggling.  I’ve been mentioning that living is no longer of big deal anymore.  And if God suddenly want to take me anyway, I’d be thankful and ready.  Then, I saw Mama waiting for the doctors.  I saw Dad passed by who brought some snacks for them if they were to stay with me at the hospital.  I felt the tight hold of my GF to my hands. What have I been thinking?  I never wanted to see them cry that way.  I never wanted to see them hurt that way.  Damn it! Those people are crying over a 70+ year old woman!  Why have I been rushing my life to end?!?!!?

A fear suddenly creeped on me.  What would I do if all these tests would lead to one thing - a terminal illness.  I wanted to die for a long time, then swiftly I felt scared of an impending death.  Maybe the thought of suffering (even more) before dying scared me.  Maybe the thought of making my loved ones suffer watching me suffer scared me.  Or maybe, the thought of not finishing the paintings I planned, the books to publish, the room (or house in future) to d├ęcor scared me. I don’t know.  One thing I was sure of, I don’t wanna find out that I have something deadlier and dirtier than depression is in me.

Life has never been easy.  Everyday is a constant struggle.  And I know the way I would feel about my life is affected by everyday decisions that I make.  And I know I’ve been deciding wrong all this time. 

I wanted to change that.  And I know lying on this hospital bed helped me to start making the right decisions.   Being here in the emergency room reminded me that my life now is in an emergency, too.  I should start helping myself.  Anxiety and Depression has always been fucking me up, and I’m letting that happen.  I should now choose life over death.  I never wanted to see my loved ones grieve over my loss.

After a couple of days, I went out of the hospital bearing the prescription of 10 capsules a day. Wow.  The old woman didn’t make it after a couple of days.  She died on her birthday.  A couple of days thereafter, a department head from work was also brought to the same emergency room, dead on arrival.

Life is short.  Let’s just not make it shorter. As we struggle, there are people who are also struggling just to see you well.  Let’s not make life harder to live with each other.  Let’s struggle to make life worth living.

I know, in the end, death will come to us.  But until that day, I’m gonna fuck this depression up which has been fucking my life out for a long time. 

I have depression, but I’m gonna choose life.

The Present now Past...

The Future,

I’m your past. I know if you can write back, you will blame me for everything. I know. ‘Coz I am you, and you are from me. 

First off, I am wondering. How are you? How are you, my future self? ‘Coz I’m worried. I am worried that my past self, and now your past, or my current self is not doing well enough. I am worried, that I am not doing anything good. I am worried, that whatever you are experiencing right now, is all my fault. I have so many regrets. I think I am never good enough. I am never good enough, that’s why I don’t deserve to succeed. I don’t deserve to feel great about myself. Because I am not good enough. I want to know. Even if you f*cking blame me, I still want to know. What have I done all my life? What have I done my entire life? What have I done to become you? Are you still me? Or are you a changed person? If you have changed, what have you become? Did you become the demon I always felt lurking inside of me? Or have you outsmarted it, finally?

I want to know so much. I want to know. Did you reach my dreams? Or am I the one to blame for failing? What happened to everything? What happened to my aspirations? Did you change it? Or are you still following it? Have you reached any? Or have you trashed it all? Or maybe some? If you have the chance, would you write back? I want to know so badly. What have you become?

Do you still play Dota 2? Is there a new game we got addicted to? Would it be possible for us to play together? I would love to challenge myself. Heck, I know you’d be a better gamer by now. I still suck today, but not that bad. You know it, right? Have you pulled out of gaming? Don’t you play anymore? Yeah, this one takes a lot of time, too. Did we stop playing game? Did we just do other stuff we wanted to do instead of playing this? Is it fun still playing? Or is it good we stopped this, and just had fun on other activities we also enjoy doing?

What happened to our paintings? Did you continue to paint? Did we finish a lot of set already? Have we added a few, a couple, a lot, or nothing to our current collection?

Do you still enjoy photography? Am I or are you still shy of taking pictures candidly while having a walk anywhere? Did we start using better cameras?

Do you still write? Do you still miss it? Have we finally made it in our blogging? Did we improve in our writing? Were you able to write an article featured anywhere publicly? Did we finally publish our dream book? Or, did we stop believing? Did we stop writing because it won’t take us anywhere? 

What happened to her? And her, too? Do you still choose to talk to her? Do you still miss her? Do you still wanna see her? Were you, were we, finally able to meet her? What happened to her? Is she in love to somebody already? Did you… did we… did I… tried... to chase her? Does she still believe me? Are you two together? Do you still want to be with her? Do you still love her?

Did I improve on my living? How do I look now? What do I have now? Did I finally lose everything I loved because I was careless? If you could talk back to me, would you answer me? I want to know. And whatever happened, whatever happened that you may hate me, I am sorry. I am sorry, that even you, my future self, is mad at me. I’ve always known that I was the one to blame. I take the blame. I am sorry.

I know you. You are from me. That’s why I know, you won’t just blame me. I know you’d still thank me. No.  You’ll just be thankful. You won’t thank me, but you will be thankful of everything. I still honestly believe that you are a grown man now. I know, you’d stop being pathetic. I know you are destined for greatness. You will thank me not because of the good outcomes of whatever I do now, but you’ll thank me for bringing you to the road you are now passing. That’s a good road.

The Present now Past,

Kahit akala mo wala na, kaya pa yan. =)

Akala ko noon ay marami na akong alam.  Marami ng alam para magturo, magsalita, magsulat.  Akala ko ay sapat na ang mga nalalaman ko para masabing karapat-dapat na akong magbahagi ng mga nalalaman ko. Akala ko, marami na akong alam. Akala ko lang pala ang lahat ng iyon.

Akala ko, alam ko na ang lahat.  Ngayon, napagtatanto kong hindi ko pala alam.  Ang inakala kong alam ko na noon, buong ingay ng isipan kong isinisigaw ngayon na hindi ko alam.

Hindi ko alam gagawin ko sa buhay ko.  Akala ko, alam ko na kung ano ang gusto kong mangyari sa akin.  Hindi pa rin pala.  Akala ko magiging masaya na ako kung pinili kong magpatuloy pa, hindi pala. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang magpapasaya sa akin kung magpapatuloy pa ako.

Hindi ko alam na ganito pala mamuhay sa mundo ng kaguluhan.  Hindi ko alam kung ano o paano isasaayos ang lahat ng sa tingin ko ay magulo.  Akala ko kaya kong iayos ang lahat. Hindi ko pala alam kung paano isasaayos ang lahat.

Hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko.  Akala ko, mabuti akong tao. Akala ko, karapat-dapat akong magturo kung paano maging mabuti. Hindi pala. Hindi ko pala alam kung paano magpakabuti.  

Hindi ko alam kung paano ko ipagpapatuloy ang pagtatrabaho ko. Pakiramdam ko, ang bawat byahe ko pagpasok, ay byaheng magdadala sa akin sa kamatayan.  

Sa totoo lang, ayoko na. ayoko ng magpatuloy. Hindi ko alam kung tama pa ang mga sinasabi ko.  Hindi ko alam kung karapat-dapat pang maisulat, makita, o mabasa pa ang mga ito.  Gusto ko ng sumuko. Gusto ko ng sumuko ng paulit-ulit. Hindi ko na kaya pero hindi ko rin alam bakit nagpapatuloy pa ako.