Today is not a typical day.. i usually wake up in the morning, before the sun rises, feel the gentle kiss of a cold breeze, eyelids being pulled by gravity, and would rather not leave my sheets.. today, i woke up feelin' dizzy, don't want to get up, but i have to coz i dun' wanna make a mess on my bed.. i took a shower though i forgot to bring my towel, just then i remembered 'm not gonna go to work today... but the chilly water gave me relief.. i felt less hot, less dizzy, a bit better now.. i remember you...
i decided to go back to sleep; never thought that goin' up the stairs may become a challenge, too.. i checked on my phone, empty batt, i decided to change batteries, but it happened a couple of hours after (felt like under a minute to me.) i heard the noise of children playing and realize, it's morning. my nephew gave me a warm good day greetings.
i sat in front of the computer.. waiting for it to start, the li'l kid reminded me to press the power button. well, i didn't feel embarrassed at all. i opened my account, checked all the notifications.. nothing was new.. nothin' really special.. saw the same old stuffs.. this is just the same old brand new day..
i browsed all the pictures - the new ones and the old ones. i felt lucky. i am happy. i smiled, and decided not to laugh. everything is so damn crazy. i never thought i would grow up like this; enjoying everything i have, enjoyed everything i had.
i am never good in everything. never good in everything i do or i did. i realized that long time ago. i always screw up.. failing is like breathing to me.. it comes in and out naturally, effortlessly.. yeah, i cared. it crushed me. it made me lose all the hope and want to live. i thought of ending it all the easy way out. i blamed everybody else including me. i stopped believing. yet, i still remained looking calm and strong - hard as ice, cold as stone. they thought 'm unmoved. well, thought so coz i'm confused, but i guess i'm lucky.
always i thought i'm a failure, but hell do i care now, i got my family, i got my friends. i am never good in everything, yet i find myself so blessed. i never felt this contented. i don't care what people would say, still i'd say i am the richest man in the world. i'm not drunk, i am free. i think. i feel.
i'm not good with whatever i do, yet always i am rewarded. i kinda feel guilty, and not worth it. i'm not sure.
i hear all the noises. i hear the cartoons, i hear the children play, i hear the vehicles. i am distracted.
i don't wanna lose it.
am i still at it?
i guess so.
maybe it's love. maybe i always screw up because i don't love what i do.. yet i am rewarded because i put LOVE in what i do... i love my family.. i love my friends... i love her.. though i can't do what i love, what i want.. circumstance just won't allow me to.. i don't get derailed. it's not about what i do or how i do it... i'm just gonna do what i oughtta do.. i knew it, it's not about me.. but i'm happy.. so intoxicated :)
-Happy Horse by Flame028™, f028, AF28©
orig. posted at http://www.facebook.com/notes/bernard-allan/d-ako-lasing/463680736028