Carry

"Those who carry burdens shall gain significant advantage in the long run."

Sometimes, it's deep.

Sometimes, creativity clouds a rational mind.

Sometimes, it may get painful, and still nobody will know - or there could be someone, you just don't notice.

Struggling. One could feel that way.  What could be the reasons why one must feel that way? Is it always about expectations?

It may start with simple things. Little things. Could be the basic necessities such as food, shelter, or the money. People struggle for a living. A day's work is just enough to feed themselves. Some people think this is all that they need to live their lives. They struggle to feed themselves or their loved ones.

One thing may lead to another. These daily struggles may lead to a deeper problem. Sometimes, in doing so hard, one may start asking questions. One may ask why in the world should he or she suffer.

Actually.

It is I, the writer, who is suffering.

And I just can't contain it any longer. I cannot just put this pain into writing some article worth reading by everyone. I want to write now to express how I feel. Maybe, lighten up the burden I am carrying inside.

I was the one who is asking questions. 

Why?

Why in the world…

Why should these things happen?

I don't know.

And I am not looking for an answer.

I just want…

… a rest.

Sometimes, I feel tired of these nonchalant stuff on my mind. I can't see the reason why should I feel this way. There are many people out there who are experiencing more difficult problems. Why do I have to feel this way?

It's painful. I feel a hundred or thousands of stabs to my chest. It's painful.

Self-assessment. One of the reasons why I feel bad. I always think that I'm not good enough. The problem maybe is my lack of self-confidence. I feel so timid and small when I am alone. I find courage when I go with people I trust. But usually, I’m alone. And I'm scared. Scared that I couldn't do things right. I hate disappointing people.

But the pain is the same when I hear disappointing things from people I never wanted to disappoint. Maybe, the pain is greater. I, try the best that I can to give a first-rate advice, but much to my dismay, I couldn't. I can't prove anything at all. Is it because what I try to do is not for a living?

I am not earning enough. Is it a measure of success?

Are good advisers successful people?

Or the ones who carried so much burden in their lives?

Or the ones who understood these burdens?

People won't easily believe you.

You must've proven something to make them trust you.

Even familiar lines should be quoted with the one who said it, so people would actually believe these words. They don't really care if it is done because you actually respect the knowledge imparted by this person. What they care is that this person is worth believing.

And so far, I got nothing worth believing.

I got nothing.

They won't believe me.

As much as I wanted them to trust me.

How can I make them?

It is an endless cycle.

I get courage from them, yet they discourage me.

If I stop loving them, what's the point of becoming something?

I'm doing these for them, but they don't need these.

I thank God he still believes in me.

And whenever I feel like I'm a thrash, he still see me as something valuable.

Some readers may have their eyebrows raised, but hey, sometimes, faith is all you got left. And a little bit of loving.

I still think that there will be worse to come. Like losing your loved one, or getting stuck to something you don't want. But these are just puny things. Some people still carry a heavier burden than I do.  I should stop whining and complaining, because this just won't gonna bring me anywhere.

More importantly, I think, with whatever happens in our life, there is a lesson needed to be learned. And if we don't learn from it, it will be taught again and again until we finally grasp it and take hold of it. So we could teach others about it, and maybe, just maybe, we could help them in carrying the burdens we used to carry ourselves.