Not my Interview with God

I have been suffering depression for years now.  And it's quite lonely and dragging and heavy.

I remember, two years ago, probably 2017, during a celebration of my birthday I didn't ask for, I wished for one morbid wish.  I wished it would be my last birthday.

Last year, first week of June 2018, I was rushed to the hospital.  I think I already made a journal entry about this event, too.  At first, I was thankful, because I thought I was already being taken up to Him.  I was wrong.  Turns out it was an episode of my GERD or possibility of upper GI bleeding.  I felt scared that time.  I felt scared I might have an even dreadful disease.

Thank goodness, I had none.

During that ordeal, I remembered what I wished for the year before that.  I thought that wish is nearing to be granted.  I realized I should have not done that. It was petty, it was stupid, it was my depression.

But the story didn't end there.  Or so I thought I am already on my path becoming for a new me. 

But the sickness persisted.  The entire remainder of the year, I spent in the house, in my room, on my bed.  Having foot or knee or joint problem.  Also having liver problem, due to my incessant taking of medication because of the foot or knee or joint problem.

It is affecting my job, and my everyday life. 

I thought 2019, the new year, would just be the same.  Just the continuation of all my pains and sufferings.  My depression is persistent, foot, knee, and joint problem persisted, and suddenly out of nowhere, I experienced a stomachache that I never before encountered.  Got me really, really scared.   

Now, it got me thinking, maybe this time, what I expected dreadful disease last year, is happening now.  It just keeps on running through my head.  I can't escape it.  Even when I feel totally normal, it's like I'm searching for that pain in my body trying to confirm on my own if I am sick.  Then I would feel it again.  A doctor of mine told me that what I possibly feel is caused by my stress.  He told me to reach out, relax, and try to do things as normally as I can, 'cause he knows that I am already too scared to even try to live normally again.  I'm scared to go out and walk, thinking I might hurt myself again.  I don't know, but everything I've been thinking about lately, is my demise.

There was a time when I was really down, I had a dream.  I dreamed of praying to God for a miracle, to convince a non-believer that He is real.  That miracle happened in my dream, and then, I secretly prayed for another miracle, and that miracle be my healing.  The statue of Virgin Mary then gazed at me, as if she was telling me that the time for my miracle will come.  When I woke up, it gave me relief from everything painful in me.

But still, the dark episodes were there.

Tonight, I am alone in the living room.  I usually play games  to keep me occupied, but I chose to watch a movie.  I watched a movie which I downloaded in my PC some time ago.  I believe this movie even got erased when I formatted my drive and I just had to redownload it, even if I have no idea if I'm gonna watch it.

I watch this movie - Interview with God.

To be honest, when the scene God told the interviewer that his time is almost up, I broke down.  Because I was thinking of the exact same thing that I might just be in denial that my time is almost up.  That no one knows when salvation will happen to you, it could happen anytime, even in the time you least expect it. 

I broke down, because I was too scared.  I prayed hard to Him.  I don't want to die now. I don't want to suffer in any disease.  I wanted to be saved and healed.  I remembered how I wished for my  death two years ago, and now, I am praying for an extension.  I wanted to spend more time with my loved ones.  I don't know how, but I'm just asking for Him to heal me, even though I don't know if I'm sick.  It just came to me that I might be feeling that for quite a while now and maybe, He just wants me to be ready and just accept it.

I continued watching the film.

A plot twist.  The interviewer is suffering depression.  And God told him, I just saved you from yourself.  From the turn of events, the interviewer thought that God wasn't there for him, that all his prayers were unanswered.   And from there, he just realized how God created a miracle for him.

At the same time, I was crying too.

God saved me from myself. 

Everything flashed back to me.  From June last year, to June the other year.  Because of my depression, I wanted to end my life.  I don't want to suffer any more so I wished for my own demise.  And that has been always what's on my mind.  Now I realized, that the extension I was praying for tonight, He already answered it from last year. 

He answered my prayer tonight, last year!

All the sickness I encounter now, it made me realize, that life is precious, and salvation is a gift.  It made me realize to stop wanting to end life myself, and let God use me for His glory. God gave me life so I could spend more time with my loved ones.  God gave us free will not to end our lives, but to be responsible of what we do.  God answered my prayer even before I prayed for it. 

God showed me the miracle I was praying for even though that is not my Interview with God.

God hears, God cares, God answers.

Jesus Christ is my Lord, my Savior, my Friend.