A Broken 2018

This could be it.

I didn't even notice.

I still feel the January of last year.

    and I still got a hold of it.  That I dearly wanna let go.
  
It was barely three months, but I had a lot spared to none.

Then I checked, it was only the month of May.

That could be the last time I had to see the calendar.

Looked forward for my birthday month, everything fell off.

Everything went down the drain.

Everything was broken.


After I knew it, I was counting down days.

Not for the season, not for the holidays, not for the new year.

But for the day I could see the world again.


I tried to make things work.  I tried to make it up to the remainders.

Almost all went according to plan.

    Almost all of Plan B, that is.
  
These became the days I wished I had more, I wished I had enough, so I could share more.

    But I had only enough, for Plan B.
  

People often tell me, that I should look past of the negative things that ever happened to me.

That I should see how blessed I am to overcome all the struggles and pains I encounter for almost every day.

I don't know.

It's always easy to look at or speak of it that way.

But it's hard.


Of all endeavors I had to face, I feel thankful of the people who extends prayers for me.

Yes, they are my blessings.

And I felt, that these messages are better than those good news I could have expected, I would have received.


But the pain never goes…

The broken can never be whole again…

And the broken can only last for so long…


I never felt 2018.

It's like a skip in the timeline.

But this 2018 left me so much damage that I could no longer look forward to 2019.

At this end of the year, I am raising my hand and give 2018 a dirty finger.

And my other hand, to 2019.

Giving yet another dirty finger.

I won't tell 2019 to be good.  I am not expecting it to be.

'coz I deserve it.

I linger in a puddle of hatred and discontent, but couldn't find the courage to get out of it.

I am so weak to get out of it, but I f*cking put all my strength in throwing punches to nothingness.

What could I do? I got a broken self.


I know 2019 won't become so forgiving 'coz I got beat down the previous year.

But I'll continue to survive. No matter how I wanted to live a 2019 life.

I don't see hope in 2019.

I may see chances and opportunities, but I also see how I'm gonna waste all of it.


I want to push harder.

Try to survive a bit further.

And try to live a life a little fuller.


The only reason I could see myself going through this journey is because I know God is still with me.

And I ask God if I'm becoming more of a burden now.

Coz I don't want my beloved to feel that weight, too.

If God carries me in order for me to go on, please don't let my beloveds be the instruments for this.


2018 gave me a serious beat down.

And I don't expect less from 2019.

I won’t ask for more beatings, coz I might lose it this time.

I still wanted to get out of it standing and alive.


Argh, too much struggles.. Too much pain.. Too heavy of a burden.. This 2018 has brought me.

Effing 2019, what more do you got?!?!  I don't wanna do this anymore!!

These boisterous shouts deafen no one, but mutes the f*ck out of me!!

This early, I tell you I'm gonna come out stronger and will tear all your craps apart!!

I won't go vividly, I will roar! Be it in pain or be it in triumph!


2018 is like a void in time.

    And I don't want this void to go any larger.
  
    But I can't control time.  I can't take hold of everything.
  
I hold myself accountable.


I was a failure.  Couldn't even stand or walk straight.

I don't see success anywhere near.

And I don't have any choice but to go on.


Fuck you, 2018.

And fuck you 2019, in advance.


This is not about being hopeful.  This is not about sugarcoating shits.

This is just a broken me, getting out of a broken 2018.